In the Club

It was a night of Italian men. 

It starts off with a man who only speaks Italian asking me for directions to the Berlin TV Tower. But he is speaking Italian and asking me if I am Italian. He asks for a cigarette. Time for Fame to Lie. 

After giving him directions he decides they are not useful to him. he is going to walk.

 to AlexanderPlatz. 

Okay. 👄

He bares his farewell by grabbing us by the hand and giving us a slobbery kiss on each cheek. I love Coronavirus. 

I am later rated by a group of German men ages ranging between 19 and what could be 60. 

They decided to position my friend and I in front of them at a table. On 3 they hold up cardboard scraps with the number 10 scribbled on them. 

Just got rated by a bunch of men.

In front of my own damn eyes. 

Only issue- they only had 10s… I asked what. Happens if they’re ugly. “Then we flip and they get a zero” they tell me. 

The biggest of their group decides to stand up in a mean attempt to assert some sort of dominance. But he can barely stand up as he’s pinned between the bench and the table. He starts yelling about being a football player. He is 6 foot something and wide as a 5 year old is long. 

There is no way this man plays Football… HIs arms are too big to play a foot sport. 

Turns out this motherfucker plays AMERICAN football. 

UR kidding 

CUT the cameras

NO way I’ve found myself linking an American football player in Berlin. 

He starts begging me to go to his game… 

BITCH....

just because I’m from America doesn’t mean I know anything about football… 

Honestly bold as fuck for him to assume anything about me

He gets angry that I don’t know anything- saying “you’re from chicago, the Bears, the NFL.,., how do you not know what positions there is” 

Bitch…

Before I can tell him to fuck off about a sport that caused the boys of my high-school to call me a school shooter- 

he’s holding my drivers license. 

Hmmm

interesting. 

How did This Happen

The German drunks are absolutely blown. That a 16 year old Fame,.,

1. Looked like that 

2. was allowed to drive 

3. couldn’t legally drink

Meanwhile this charismatic meathead’s GIRLFRIEND is sitting there just blankly staring up at me. How this man has a girlfriend… beyond me. She them proceeds to tell me that I look 25. 

I’ll Kill Myself. 

SAY IT AGAIN FAGGOTS 

The people of this country are gonna have me getting botox at 19.

We bare our fair wells to the drunks and leave them to rate the general public of Mitte. 

Making our way to the most painful 2 hours in line with a Random Austrian Man.

As 4 queer people, sitting in line at a reopening from covid club, talking about abortion and the sitcom that is American politics... 

This OLD Austrian man decides he needs to be educated. 

How I have found myself in a foreign country just for the people to be way too interested in the reasons why I left the USA.... why me. 

Go find an SJW transplant Berliner from the lower east side

A pair of sexy Italian men stand behind him. They steadily make strange eye contact with me. Specifically the one with the septum piercing. maybe the Italians care about American women reproductive rights too. 

Once we get to the door, Austrian man is (-thank fucking god-) turned away.

 

 I descend into 3 hours with girls that are so doe eyed deer in headlights amazed that they got in. I cannot believe I have found myself in this situation. 

I find myself being rude of accident. Nothing I can do about it now.I said what I said

We find the Italian men again- tried to go outside to smoke, we find our way to the door- the sun is out…

Excuse me?

No 

We get a solid- 2 feet out the door.. We aren’t allowed to leave. 

They tell us to smoke inside- Ive been smoking inside but what if I want to smoke outside? Haters? 

Club full of cages? They don’t let you leave? Ill kill myself? 

As clouted as this club was- I was underwhelmed.. granted I only heard 2 Djs… As I did not get in until 03:30 am 

Maybe I try again.. I do love to be deprived of all my senses. To forget that you’re even standing… makes me wet.

 Let alone forgetting that you’re completely surrounded by people. 

The club is the best alone time I will ever get. CANNOT BELIEBE that just came out of my mouth

But... Blink 2 times if you agree;)

The most traumatizing bit of all, getting back to Neukölln at 07:46… on a Sunday…. 

I walk in circles trying to find a single piece of food. 

Nothing but McDonalds breakfast… 

FAME DOES NOT EAT MCDONALDS BREAKFAST.

I tap around the menu for too long just to realize that it is not worth it to buy 2 hashbrowns for 4 Euros.  A crime to European hashbrown lovers everywhere 

I go home and fall asleep with a quinoa rice cake 

GoodMorning FAMe 💋

SHAKE Ass, Drive FAST, SMOKE Grass 

Leaving Chicago

 

FAME is dearly departing from the land of the systematic terrorism. 

Leaving has taught me to trust no one. I already didn't but y'all gave me even more reason to send myself off. 

whatever... crazy bitches in this city can hop off my dick and let me be crazy

FAME feels as though it is valid to be crazy and let myself get into bullshit even if I know I shouldn't. I am 19... like cmon. Is that not the time to be absolutely fucking stupid? to roll in the mud and let that shit get in my eyes ear nose and mouth. to hell with it ill let myself get an airborne disease while im at it. 

Im a simple girl. I do what I want, and nothing else. It doesn't matter if something is good or bad for me, If I want to do it I will. I could care less.

When it comes to manipulative men.

 I do not care if one man manipulates me, because that means I am his person to manipulate. But only 1 man at any given time. I can only be the victim to one loser at a time. 

I manipulate plenty of the men in my life.. Some of them have been around for 5+ years. They love me. I care about them, but not like how they care about me. And that's okay. They don't know they're being manipulated, they blindly follow and adore. 

At least when my limit of 1 man manipulates me, I know he's doing it. Its okay. If I lived by the feminism/ pro cis female mantra of "FUCK MEN WHO MANIPULATE THEY ARE PIECES OF SHIT" I would be a fucking hypocrite. 

If male manipulators get cancelled then we should cancel most sexy famous women. 

HELLO Kim K was not KIM K until she met Kanye. She was just another reality star- She manipulated the FUCK out of the shit that man brought her around and now she has the fattest ass, the coolest clothes, and everyone on the planet thinking about her and her life. 

I view the people I am involved with as people not men. So it's just a person in my life manipulating me. It really doesn't bother me. Maybe that makes me a stupid bitch but I kinda like it. 

AS sick and twisted as it is, I feel hot, sexy, empowered by the interactions I have with the men I manipulate. So I bet the 1 person that manipulates me feels the same. If me playing along with his bullshit makes me hot so be it. It's not that deep. 

I was born in 2003... Ive only got 19 years down, why the fuck would I worry about things like this now

The possession of it is kinda hot tbh. I like the power that they can hold over me by having the type of manipulative relationship we do. Cause I know that no matter how much power they feel they have, I have more. 

More reason why I don't suck dick. If I won't touch your dick that means my pussy is the only that can get you to cum. 

If there was a list of the powers I hold over my partners vs the ones they over me.... we already know whose list would be longer. 

 my being a product of misogyny is definitely to blame for this mindset. At least Im self aware.

If anyone of you fucks try to tell me anything or refute this- I bite. respectfully, keep it to yourself.

Ill probably heal and get over this one day, but at the moment, and for the time being, this is how I feel. And if you can't own the shit you feel when you feel it what is the point of being able to change your mind and grow. 

FAME💋

Imitation is the biggest form of flattery...

This phrase has been thrown in my face my entire fucking life. people have steadying been jacking my shit. One day ill name drop yall and post a real cute instagram photo with it. today is not that day. learn to think of your own shit, thank you❤️❤️❤️

sick and fucking tired of Mfers seeing the reactions I get from my work and wanting that attention so just recycling my shit to their own medium to use the shock value the material holds. im sorry but kys

Nurtured by Love

Horse found on work-away host page... farm in Hawaii I believe 

Creativity Muscle 

Disclaimer at the end, its your own purgative which one you read first. 

The creativity muscle needs to be trained and taught. Just as you learn the ability to walk, run, play the piano- it functions as muscle memory.  It takes active effort to nurture and train these abilities in yourself 

In Dr. Suzuki’s book- “Nurtured by Love” he dissects the reoccurring question of being a prodigy. Whether or not talent is natural gift or learned. He believes, that talent is not naturally occurring but instead a learned and developed skill. At birth and in our early stages of consciousness, we are neuro-plastic. This malleability is the base and beginning of idenetity.

 

An inhuman example of this plasticity can be seen in fighting dogs-

You are in an animal shelter. There are rows of dogs in small kennels and each one has their own ID tag. Some say “young and playful, good with kids”. At the end of this long string of caged and depressed dogs, there is a pit-bull. Its tag may say something similar to “aggressive, interact with caution” 

When that dog was born, it was not violent, angry, unpredictable. It was forced into an environment in which its genetic features (such as a lockable jaw) were utilized for its own survival. 

Although that dog is no longer in such environment- its brain has rewired itself for the violent behavior that it relies on for survival in a fighting ring. The dogs fight or flight muscle memory has been trained to react violently- trauma response as fuck. 

In the case of creativity and talent it works the same. Replace a traumatic experience leading to a trauma response- with training and energy leading to fluency in a skill. 

While training toward a skill a teacher may say it takes a random number of hours to master xyz. While this is a way to incentivize students to put in time and effort toward their craft, it is an unattainable standard. To look at skill development as finite leads the trainee obliviously toward self-restriction. 

There is no such thing as mastery. You can be really great at something, and the world can give you a title of the best, but there is infinitely more room to develop your skill. 

This is where creativity comes to play. YoYo Ma can memorize every written piece of music for the cello from all of time if he so pleases. But that memorization is only a fraction of what “mastery” could look like. To view your skill as something that can be conquered closes you off to the possibility of what your own brain can offer. With this mindset you are merely turning yourself into a vessel for something or someone else creation.

If you have trained your own creativity, you are an endless creator. There will never come a time in your living existence where you stop thinking. So to manipulate that power and to feed and nurture your ability to create and think beyond the currently existing is the ultimate power. 

Dr Suzukis theory of learned talent is the basis for training creative thought. Just as you could use this theory to train in classical violin, you can train yourself to use your brain to benefit your own creative ability. Training creativity means allowing humiliation, critique, and failure. 

While classically training as a cellist I found theories such as Dr. Suzuki's to be insanely rewarding. In a competitive, hyper accelerated environment where comparison to your peers was the only inspiring factor. Embarrassment through public analogy as a stimulant to be a better musician, tragically works well. I found comfort in Suzuki's book. The irony of this situation can be found in the fact of this school- that survives off of a tough love way of teaching- was practicing Suzuki's method of violin mastery. This would be sorrily mistaken for a criticism of the Suzuki Method. It is the basis in which he proved his theories of learned talent. To negatively critique the method that destroyed my fears of public performance and independent study, would simply be a crime. If anything, this would be a critique of the wonderfully typical old religious white women whom we looked up to as our teachers. 

DISCLAIMER__

Though this may seem like a work hard, play hard pseudo inspirational drawl… It is not. Its simply a personal manifesto type ‘how I think about the things I want to work toward”. With this mindset I’m open and allowed to do whatever the fuck I please. Im allowed to fuck up and pick & choose where my priority and efforts land. So maybe Im just a self obsessed cunt who thinks my 19 year old brain is ‘oh so enlightened’ to think that sharing shit like this has any sort of value. That’s okay too. Maybe I’ll read this in a year and rip it off of the internet and leave it to die. Or maybe it will be a reminder to get my shit done and get on track with my goals. Who knows.. not me.

with LOVE 

SHAKE ASS 

FAME💋

 

Fuck your balaclava

the modernity that knitwear fashion has taken on is absolutely fucking horrendous. 

im sorry 

I know y'all love being crafty and its a fun thing to do with your hands and it makes you feel empowered blah blah blah 

pack it up Martha Stewart 

I don't care 

im not sorry 

its ugly 

most of the time at least 

I like reallllllly fine knitwear. using a super almost thread like yarn and it looks all Lacey and dainty. that is okay. but generally 

the trends among young women, queer people, lobotomized skater boys trying to impress a girl. the trends of DIY clothes like embroidering onto a thrifted t shirt or painting on a pair of jeans or learning the most basic crochet stitch to make a balaclava tiktok Im just so exhausted. 

It perpetuates the boring idea of women work. I don't care if its historical, I don't like it. The balaclava is an exhausting waste of resources. using plastic yarn from Michaels to make a fucking hood for yourself. like I hate it. 

Recently saw an interview with Drew Barrymore where she talked about asking a man if he was single in Central Park. She talks about the moment after she caught his interest, she took off her BALACLAVA all shampoo commercial like. Im sorry but what the actual fuck has happened that made a middle aged celebrity with so much money and fresh fashion at her fingertips is wearing a stupid knithood that a bunch of 14 year olds on tiktok popularized. 

slay to the 14 year olds for having a talent for making anything look cute and fun on social media. but I can't support it when Drew Barrymore is fitted up in them too

COMing back to this post after two months with more to add. 

Important to note I have not re read what ive already written and I do not plan on it. So if I repeat myself- Sorry- hope you can power  through it and keep reading cause you just loveeee what I have to say❤️

Since writing last, the weather has become warmer, and I am seeing less balaclava on my timeline- and for that im so incredibly  thankful. It got to a point pressing not interested on people that I likes socials if they were posted up talking about their balaclava. I could not take it anymore. 

Since seeing the vomit inducing amount of knitwear Coachella outfits... I am simply boredddd. I get it- knit wear is breathable, for the most part soft, and very customizable.  But do you really want to look like every other bitch? I guess the whole point of Coachella is to dress up in what you think is trendy which also means every bitch walks in looking the same while thirsting over whatever famous white boy is on the other side of the VIP fence. But I simply do not understand. I really don't think it is that flattering. like if you want a see through outfit- wear mesh. \but that's my opinion. 

I guess there is one thing to say about knitwear -  

It has become the soft girls mesh.

Mesh, fishnets and cut up clothes have always had a very edgy and I can see where that restricted the softer more cute pastel pink wearing Mfers when they wanted to be naked as fuck. 

Knitwear does that- it allows them to be cute and risqué without harsh lines and colors. 

I respect anyone that wants to look naked as fuck in their fit- SO for the soft girls to find their mesh, I am happy. That does not mean Im fucking with it. But I can be proud of them for finding their own suitable naked fit. 

Okay im sick of thinking about knitwear- But I really just need these thoughts on the internet cause Im crazy and need an outlet to spew my bullshit. 

Hope your feelings got hurt and if they didn't then SLay❤️

SHake ASS 

FAME 

ORD pain in my ass

Photo TYLER bestie roomie❤️

 Sitting in the Terminal 1 Lufthansa check in desk, waiting for it to OPEN. apparently niche airline desks are not open all the time like American ones are. I say that as if Lufthansa isn't one of the most major airlines in Europe... SOO fucked up if you ask me. My ass got here 4 hours before my flight because I have to check a bag that I haven't planned or paid to check. I neeeeeed this bag on the flight. If has the things I love most in the world. My sneakers, belts, sharp tools, and glycolic acid. 

Got my belly pierced, feeling infected already. 

 Thinking about how slayed architecture in airports is. so brutal so bright so drain. Fuck this post 9/11 world I want to be able to hang out in airports. Oh my god or smoke on the plane. If I could smoke cigarettes through the 9 hour flight, It would go way faster. At least Im seated in the Emergency Exit. Except with my sickly ass appearance they tend to profile me and move my seat before I can even get on the plane. How they manage to test my strength with their eyes is beyond me, Isn't the whole point of being a flight attendant to be like skinny and cute. Like cmon y'all. I look just like that. 

I was drinking bourbon and waltzing last night, now im sitting in an uncomfortable chair singing Bon Iver in my head too tweaked and lazy to get out my headphones and listen to the real thing. But I think I should listen to the new bladee song so im gonna stop writing for a moment and listen to bladee. 

Catch yall in a few. 

update I never came back to this post. its been 12 days. That's okay im here now. 

dressing myself has been an absolute shit show recent. I like having all my things out and in front of me. Object permanence is what inspires me to be as fitted as I am. There is no room in this apartment to have all buy shit out and about. the little amount of shit that I even have with me too. It so sad. All of my fits look like my chicago depression fits. hoping the warm weather allows me to develop new fashion brain. god.

 Living such a cold and simple life. Really is kind of wonderful though 

The clothes here are sooo scary. Like y'all realllllly love wearing trench coats huh?  sad for y'all. 

Simply never been a trench kind of girl. Unless its cool as fuck but even then it can't be worn with a sweatshirt and trousers. like that is so fucking boring and scary. Im sorry to anyone who loves trenthcoats with loungewear but no im not like shut up your not French. Even if you are French... Shut the fuck up. It ugly. 

Okay I think this post is too scattered to say anymore. I will save my mean and angry opinions for another post where I can sound a little more organized. Or at least attempt. 

with LOVE 

shake ASS

FAME x0x0

Im right

 If you're queer, you are allowed to be straight for a month or two