Tuesday, May 24, 2022

FAME hits ITALY

Oh blog how Ive missed you...


All I think about is this shit I have to say on here. Everything I do, I think about the random Mfers that read this shit and get so antsy to scream at y'all.

Y’all are my Rory Gilmore and I am Lorelai scribbling incoherent notes to show you later.

back in Berlin. 

Italy was Gorg of course. But strange. 

Low-key call me a Venice hater. 

Actually I take that back. 


VENICE lover. 

Tourist hater. 


I forget how much being around middle aged white American tourists from the midwest is absolutely infuriating. There is truly nothing more infuriating than flying across the Atlantic, to escape the midwest, just to run into a bunch of Mfer with a northern Wisconsin accent wearing a Packers jersey.

 

Im sorry to any cheese heads I may have offended with that comment, Im half one of you, but the chicago half is more powerful and allows me to be mean to y’all.


Its the rules 


I went to Venice for the 59th Biennale art exhibition, it was wonderful, but underwhelming- she’ll get her own post. Im here to talk about Venice 


The Italians- some nice, some HATERS.


“Where are you from”

“Chicago”

“Ahhhh, Chicago. Bang! Bang!”

 

If I hear that shit one more time….


The aperol spritz. Delicious, Cheap, goes wonderful with a cigarette and a pizza


A PIZZA THAT COMES WITHOUT CHEESE 


Who would have thought that after years of taking shit from the Chicagoans about eating pizza without cheese. I would go to the country that respectfully owns pizza, and be able to order that shit without having the embarrassing conversation.


Don’t you dare think im lactose intolerant... I could never. ..


That is embarrassing. 


IDGAF about if you can’t drink milk, I actively choose to not ingest it, because it is gross. 


Why would I drink the milk of cows? I can barely think about the fact that cheese is literally moldy milk. Sorry.


The word Lactose is also just fucking disgusting. 

I would rather be caught dead than have “Lactose” on my name. 

Simply


To any of my lactose intolerant readers, please stop telling people your lactose intolerant...

 I don’t want to hear about

 “ I'll get the shits if I eat ice cream” Or “ OMG I want pizza but I don't want the shits😭” 


I do not want to know about the state of your asshole



Okay I don’t like this topic--- 


Before my arrival in the most tourist infested city, I was told “wear a lot of sunscreen the Venice sun is different” 

I am personally a face sun screen only bitch. 

Why would I spend my valuable time covering my entire body in a white cast with the smell of a 6 year old at the county pool?


this was a grave error...


I decided to spend my last day at Lido Beach. It was serving Tybee Island, GA minus the swamp and kitschy shops selling anything that can fit the words “Venice” on it. 


Disappointing that europeans aren’t the biggest fans for trashy tourist shops.

I know it's part of the American perspective's appeal to Europe, but its something I really value in my enjoyment of a place. 


Though the Water Bus made up for it in dopamine release 


All I had to do was turn off the part of my brain that absolutely hates boats and constantly thinks they are going to sink. ( I was obsessed with the titanic -- NOT THE MOVIE-- at too young of an age)


I think this hate comes from a mix of being drowned as a child resulting in my refusal to properly learn how to swim and remember the skills, as well as my HATE for unwarranted water. Why would I get wet if I don’t want to. 


Once I got over the 'very small boat lots of people-water splashing my arm from the side' issue I enjoyed the view when it wasn’t filtered with a black cloud of exhaust from the boat. Starting to realize why everyone is so concerned for Venice. That shit is so full of smog, also glad I didn’t eat any seafood while I was there I guess… 


The Italians love saucony, it was cray seeing so many damn originals on the Mfers feet. 

They were honestly styling them so funny with the most boring straight leg standard wash jeans and ill fitted t shirts. But it was kind of awesome. 


After spending 3 hours on the beach, I broke out in hives. 


Decided it was my time.


I found myself at a cafe drinking aperol spritz with french fries that looked and tasted exactly like mcdonalds french fries...

How they managed that is beyond me, considering I was literally on an island

But I will never complain about such a delicious surprise. 


After my euphoric drunken snack in the shade, I found my way back on the water bus where my hive inducing sun burn kicked in leaving me in a pain I had yet to ever feel.


I hid in the Venice train station for a while before deciding to get on the train to Treviso..

I was so excited to enjoy my 30 minutes Italian countryside train ride. Until fifteen 8 year olds and their aggravated parents decided to get on and sit right next to me. 


The kids screaming at their parents to play games on their phones, I wanted to kick. 

Both the parents, and their children. 

While im at it might as well kick the phones too.


I get off the train in Treviso, I'm met with the most GORG non tourist filled ITALIAN town. 

Electronic cigarette vending machines crowded by 16 year olds wearing north face puffer, fishnets, and vans old skools even though it was 75 degrees.. 


\kind of drained,.. 


Mad teenagers walking around staring at themselves in their phones.

ideal, homely, welcoming, relatable, are a few words I would use to describe how seeing stupid teenager girls do what I do, made me feel... dreamy


smelling more drain. 


I got poke and ate in the park while talking or rather screaming out loud to myself while others laid in quiet. 


During me myself and I mukbang, I made the remarkable statement, "where there are sexy normal people, there is drainers" I'm not too sure if I agree with this just yet, but it did come out of my mouth, so it must mean something somehow.


I walked in circles to find a ticket to the airport bus. apparently it was in the bar inside of the train station because that makes so much sense. 

Actually fuck Italy for the WEIRD forms of transit ticket sales that they subject their to their public.


Once I get to the airport, It is 3 hours before my fight even boards (because I am terminally early to everything I do) I go in and get through security in 5 minutes. 


I am left sitting on the floor next to the other 300 people huddled around the 1 charging station. -


-absolute shit fuck bitch nightmare-


An old Italian lady trips on my foot and falls onto me, she is very nice and funny so its okay I laugh along with her while I make sure she is okay. 


She starts charging her phone, she shows me her phone, pointing at the wifi symbol, trying to connect, she's asking for help. " No English" she says 


I connect her phone, It asks for her email to confirm, she doesn't have an email. 

But also doesn't know what im saying... 

She keeps grunting and shrugging her shoulders at me in confusion...


 Bae... How do you have a phone without an email. Isn't that like the basis for everything?


Beats me.


I bought DUTY FREE Limoncello and pink ultra thin rolling papers. 


We know Sophie likes all types of ultra thin.

ANYWAY


RYAN AIR can suck my dick delaying my flight 2 hours. 


Once back in Berlin the s45 did its own number traumatizing me but I simply can't re live the emotions I felt in that moment after getting the worst sunburn, breaking out in hives, being on and off tipsy all day, and then 4 hours in a 1 room airport with more people than my colleges student population.


All this being said, Venice was wonderful, Italy is slayed, I should have tried the pasta, I heard its good


With love, Shake Ass, drink FAST


FAME💋









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