TAILGATES

 FRAT BOYS DIDN'T HATE CRIME ME AND FOR THAT IM PISSED 

The weekend started with a 4 hour drive to Grand Rapids Michigan as a pit stop before the haul to Ann Arbor for the Golden Arches of that big yellow M. 

The drive itself, went quickly- stopping in the middle of nowhere to eat a subway 6 inch that made me feel so so . redacted

Took some ass out selfies in the gas station parking lot in front of mad hicks- hope they enjoyed the show<3 (selfies that landed me some redacted redacted conversation)

After a million giggly rest-stop interludes we made it to GR to 

GO TO THE BARS

First bar, took my ID-thats okay- ill just throw myself off the 4 foot gangway

after a quick finesse of the wristband from the mfers who racked my only valid form of ID, went to the bar next door with a photo of my old ID- within minutes I went from a citizen of IL to a citizen of IOWA and miraculously back to a girl from the other land of corn again-IL . 

They didn't take the photo of my ID- but they didn't Not take it either. 

We're sitting, sipping tequila soda and thinking about how violent the 2 hour drive to Ann Arbor is about to be.

The plan is to leave in 20 minutes until everyone who was raised in the Grand Rapids metro area shows up the bar- we are not allowed to leave- even some of the Chicago faggots pulled up. 

It feels like a homecoming football game tailgate except there's no football and everyone graduated college 4 years ago with a 9-5 job salary type career- though the amount of booming testosterone remains the same

No hate to the testosterone heavy Mfers in the bars of Michigan- but its just a moment that cant always be replicated and they managed to pull it off without a hitch

The real confusion hits when the DJ starts playing Summertime Sadness . I am having a very difficult time placing if I'm in the right or wrong place- either way, I'm here- nothing to do about it now

getting progressively more inebriated and start punching rude frat types in the spine

Don't get ahead of yourself- They deserved it, and no Im not normally violent- or maybe I am- to be honest its not your business 

anyway, they deserved it. Any man that lacks the spacial awareness to just simply not slam their body into very short women at the bar deserve whatever they get 

Once the punching turned into verbal fights with equally underage boys at the bar it was time to drive to Ann Arbor

2 hours of 2010 Pop 100s and going the speed limit for the first time ever. Stopping at rest stops with stickers for sex workers providing service without pay with help call lines... Buttfuck Michigan- literally I guess - wow okay time to change topic

Once arriving in Ann Arbor, first stop liquor store:

Pickles 

Fifth of Titos 

2 Breezes (sexy Michigan brand vape) 

and a good attitude 

were purchased for the low price of I don't know- I stayed in the car

Once we get to bestie house, bestie is faded as can be, the drive and sex worker stickers were quit sobering. Time to catch up

5 shots of Titos later we are all on the same page and its time to pass out 

As the sun rises on to the living room couch I am folded in half on, I hear birds chirping louder than they should be. I look up and bestie #2 is RUNNING down the stairs screaming "Good morning! Time for shots!" 

I look to my right, the front door to this college house is wide open and Bestie #2 old college buddie is walking in. 

My hair is vertical, magically floating in a halo above my skull, my mascara is inside my nose and my contacts are stuck to my corneas 

A confused "hello my name is, how are you" is exchanged between the two of us.

- important to note the confusion was mutual 

Before I can remember who-what-where-when-why I am, Im being fitted into University of Michigan gear. A tube top covered in blue and gold floral- to make sure everyone knows that not only do I love to play up a bit, but my boobs LOVE UofM. 

another 20 minutes of mumbling and having the other girls in the house look at me really confused why I am so excited to see the fratty men, I smear some glitter on my face and grab a luke warm Corona. 

Standing in the yard, watching the boys play pong and listening to drake- so perfect.

 truly the picture of the American college experience I was looking for. 

We mobilize and travel to other tailgates- walking through campus and watching besties run into their friends and drunkly pass the questions 

"going to the game?" 

"whose tailgate are you going to?" 

"scorekeepers later?"

they ask each other the string of repeated prompts without expecting a response but instead for the questioned to be asked back to them. It is an interesting display of drunk-ness while having access to a town full of people all with the same goal. to become inebriated and enjoy pretending they love school sports more than they do or dialing their obsession down as to not seem unwell. 

Once we arrived at another tailgate I walk into a structurally pretty house- and see nothing but dirt and alcohol - This is the shit I live for

After meeting someone's bunny(pet not playboy), having a few too many meaningless conversations about chicago and art school- Im taking shots with slightly attractive men- and they're actually my age. 

One of the major takeaways from this trip- linking people that are actually my age and not 23+

Loved it- but also hate? no. love..

After a scary trip to a hair covered bathroom, I sit on the porch to watch men exert their testosteronal strength over their friends by doing push ups on the gravel driveway while they kick each others hands. Then they start yelling to their girlfriends that its time to "go to the big house"

I watch as they all travel in small bubbles toward the monster that is the largest stadium in the US

Now is the part of the day where we nap, eat, continue drinking, and chill before the nightly activities. Personally- My main goal going into this weekend- get into some shit at the frat- wether that is fucking or fighting a frat boy I do not care- I just need the full well rounded Big State School Experience 

Once night fell and it was time to start getting faded again, I put on a bra as a shirt and reapply my eye glitter to make sure they all know Im slut. 

We are on our way to Sigma Nu- Im ready to get a body part grabbed, a drink spiked, a slur yelled, and maybe even a conversation with a real life brother. We walk up 4 your girls deep, with 3 men who haven't written a college essay in 5 years. We all know how getting in went- girls in, guys out. 

We knew this was going to happen, it was really just worth asking in case frat god was with us on an off chance. 

Knowing that this was a standard among all frats- but something about seeing a 19-20 year man shorter than me with an arm as a big as my head say "girls only" while  RESPECTIVELY making EYE CONTACT with us. 

I wanted them to tell me that me and my and fucked up mullet and raunchy piercings weren't hot or straight enough to get in... this did not happen- kms

We go in- and it really does look like a movie set- the music is accurate to that as well. But the people is where there is a deficit. 

got a free natty light and a shot that weighed less than a marshmallow(including the off brand solo cup it was served in) but somehow tasted worse than anything Ive ever put in my body- I say this as if I was expecting them to serve me 1942.

danced for 5 minutes getting pushed around by girls in fashion nova matching sets and hair extensions that are probably made of trimmed barbie. The ratio of frat bro to girl was like nothing I had ever seen. My being there made me part of these statistics- seemed dirty. As if by being a part of this function was like signing away my rights to everything

It felt as though I was part of a breeding experiment. Watching frat brothers navigate the crowd by just slipping between girls grinding back and fourth chatting shit about other girls between hoop earrings and fake tan. It was very unclear what the destination was for the brothers. Maybe there wasn't one- it seemed as though their job for the party was to pace back and fourth through this great hall of the teen sweat just to keep tabs on the fact that they managed to accumulate a crowd of girls to feed alcohol to and get progressively drunker through the night. 

Now as cynical as I may sound- don't it get twisted, 

I was obsessed. 

This is exactly what I was looking for- except one thing; 

it was fucking boring 

maybe it is because it was earlier in the night, it was just getting started and it would've gotten crazier throughout the night- it could be true

But either way- I was very disappointed with my experience\

As fucked as it is- and its not acceptable in this economy of liberal cunt sucking fruitcakes, I wish that I had a bad experience- I wanted so badly to experience frats for what they are known for. Im lucky to say that I didn't- for my own social and mental sake, But god damn 

Am I too queer coded for the frat boys? am I too ugly faced for them? I just really wish I could have come out of my time at Sigma Nu-University of Michigan chapter with a more meaningful and telling experience. 

But don't worry bloggers- ill be back- Thinking about going to University of Wisconsin- Madison 

those cheese heads know how to tweak 

After the frat we sorted to the bar where I waited in a line that reminded me a lot of the type of shit in the corny yuppie clubs on Hubbard 

Slightly creepy bouncers who will pretend to be cool AF but really want to go the fuck home 

Once getting into the bar with someone else's ID that looks nothing like me- 

I am immediately faced with floors that look ripped off the news of the hurricane Ian relief. There are pitchers reminiscent of my summer camp mess hall strung across every surface of the bar- 

With wood paneled walls and TVs everywhere, there is not a square foot of free room to stand between all 3 floors of the bar. Tiered like a wedding cake about to fall over in a cartoon, this bar is a Movie 

we get a round of shots and tequila red bulls-so perfect- for 6 people the total is 30... think about that 6 shots 6 drinks... CHEAPER THAN ANYTHING EVER 

Now I understand why mfers ❤️ normal college

When it came down to going to the bathroom WE were faced with a line longer than that to get in. We decide to use the mens- we walk in to a room lined with urinals each being used by men that all look the same. We find the one stall in the entire bathroom and close it door that only covers from mid thigh to sternum. Before the stall door is even locked, and 3 girls are packed into the most sewage covered bathroom ive seen in years some due bro yells 

"yo there's chicks in here" in the most doe duh doe doe voice in the world and runs to the stall reaches his head over and yells get the fuck out of here are you sickos or something- he did not say sickos but for the sake of everyone I will censor myself 

We tell him we have a bladder infection- he doesn't give a fuck, he rips open the door, and escorts us out, don't get confused. the man did not work there just a humble college bro that loves to keep what is gendered, just that. 

through the rest of the time at the bar, I guess we may have passed such dude bro a few times as I would hear "nice bladder" yelled in our direction. I dont remeber what he looked like, not because I was drunk but because 

He looked like every other bitch 

it was so perfect. I hope we were memorable to him. He deserves an award for his performance to be completely honest. he defended his bathroom so well I almost want to start using the correct bathrooms more since him. maybe he was right. 

honestly- fuck me for even thinking that it was at all okay or normal to use the INCORRECT bathroom. god forbid the two existing genders get too close to each other in such a disgusting setting, especially before marriage. or even worse after marriage. 

That is really the only relevant things I have to say about my time in Ann Arbor. there were so many things that happened that weekend that either cant go online for the next 10 years or are so irrelevant that to include would be a crime. 

Shake ASS, fuck a brother, Visit Michigan 

With love and respect 

FAME💋