Back in Chicago...

Expressway Interchange, Chicago, IL. Feb 3 2025

So happy to be back in Chicago where the sky is gray and foggy. Where things are so simple yet somehow feel so complicated that the vomiting issue from fall of 2024 comes back. My landlord is missing. Im listening to Life Without Buildings again. I finally got around to hanging up the lantern above my bed again. Feeling peaceful. Today Bennett and I got coffee in the financial district downtown just to complain about how bleak and devoid that area of Chicago feels. I organized my finances and thought about how blessed I am to not be stupidly rich like the people Ive surrounded myself with. I truly am so happy that I get to struggle and learn about money and thankful to love being transparent about it. I feel bad for those whose only concern about money is who is going to invest their inheritance. LOL sorry I really don’t give a fuck yall are boring. 

Thankful for my Cheekbones in 2025

Thankful for the Gun Range 

Thankful for STD Testing 

Thankful for My Mentor still being in Chicago right now 

I found the last paper I wrote for a college class today. Its about Apocalypse and Utopias with an analysis of an essay by Adorno. I might publish it on here for fun since I personally have no memory of writing it. August was weird. I don't remember much of it at all to be so honest. Except for this one moment I was walking to work and got a text that made me want to blow everything up. Maybe that was the cause for my memory loss. Only god will know. Either way, I just read the essay for what feels like the first time and it doesn’t even sound like my voice. I truly didn’t know I could forget things that I created like that. First time for everything I guess. 

Im going to continue cleaning my apartment and think about ways to become more awesome in 2025. 

Stay Beautiful 

FAME 

25 things FAME HURTS cant live without

Happy New Year to Chicago and the rest of the world. I spent the new year in New York in the pouring rain. Shoutout New York I had a more favorable time compared to all the other time I've spent there- but then I got deathly ill so maybe that New York state of mind isn't for me. Now I'm in Berlin and slowly but surely finding my way back into a peaceful mind. I have hope that 2025 will be a good year, Ive got a pretty decent feeling thus far. Practicing gratitude and performing intellegence. 

After the 2025 Ins and Outs I figured now would be the best time to list off 25 things I cant live without 

in no particular order...

1. Bloody Mary Adjacent Drank

2. Nepo Babies 

3. Being Silly on Instagram 

4. Maldon Sea Salt. Eat it straight out of the bag. I keep a box of that shit next to my bed. 

5. Locking In and Killin Em 

6. Wishing I could still Smoke Weed

7. Stomping my feet and throwing my arms down pretending to have a tantrum

8. FOCUS House Music for ADHD: playlists 

9.  Kim Kardashian's BBL. I think about it a lot. I wrote about 4 essays over my final two years of college about the Kim K phenomenon. I think she's perfect. 

10. My Special Sparkle

11. Growling back when the dishwasher makes a noise 

12. Violence 

13.  Bennett. We have been best friends since we was 8 or 9 years old. When we were in fourth grade a girl in our class pretended to kill herself and when the school found out she claimed that we told her to do it. Thats the type of friendship we have I guess. She also taught me how to read out loud around the same time that year. We live together now. Very wholesome shit. I miss her a lot now that Im in Berlin. 

14. The 20 year old ziplock bag of Jolly Ranchers my grandmother carries around with her. 

15. The point in time when I was really into seeing how many times I could punch myself in the face before my nose bled. Also that time a twink from oak park broke my nose(on accident... I'm no bitch). 

16. My ability to stay angry forever

17.  Acting Homophobic 

18.  Black G-Fazos

19.  Eating a Hotdog at a White Sox Game 

20.  Sexting British People 

21. One good keg stand a year 

22. When my lungs make that death rattle sound

23. Having that one sexy hangover every once in a while that makes the world feel like rainbows 

24.  Thirst Trapping for God 

25. Gratitude

I dont fuck with short format writing but I use tumblr like twitter for the neurotic

 

I avidly try to avoid shorter formatted writing because I don’t believe  in poetry it just simply is not my cup of tea. But I do recognize the nature of my writing heavily relies on small individual thoughts strung together into a manifesto style essay so I guess if you hate me you could argue its a form of poetry. Either way, who am I to truly attempt this conversation in the first place. 

Ive decided since yall are fake af and no one seems to use tumblr I am going to dump the past couple months worth of tumblr text posts on here for everyone to read because  sometimes I'm so funny and no one gets to see it since it hidden in whatever algorithm or lack there of on tumblr. 

Today, 12/21/24

 I was on the phone with my mentor who has voluntarily reclused himself to an island in Maine. I was telling him about the evilness of the past few months and it became very clear to him I was in a lot of pain. Listening to me bitch he started crying (I could see the tears through a zoom call 1000 miles away). He paused, took a wim hof breath and then told me that ever since he met me I have been an old wise man but sometimes I need to learn to not be a baby snake.

Adult snakes have enough venom to kill but they know to just use enough to incapacitate someone for a little while. But baby snakes, with the same deadly venom, don't have the control and more often than not, kill whatever they bite.

It's been weeks and I'm still thinking about this moment and I fear I might not stop anytime soon.

12/20/24

Today while working on a project related to 9/11 at work my boss asked me how old I was when it happened and I had to tell him I wasn't born yet then he asked why I know so much and I had to explain that I was obsessed with 9/11 as a child and actively make a point to visit the memorial every time I'm in New York still even though I don't have a single tangible tie to the event. Then I started telling him about the biographies that I would read as a 9 year old from survivors about the people who saved them from the towers. My boss said nothing and walked out of the room.

11/29/24

Wednesday before thanksgiving, I drank moscow mules and looked at engagement rings for my best friend. Christmas Vacation played on one TV and the Bulls game on the other. I love Chicago and I love leaving the bar to 20 degree weather.

11/19/24

I have the most strange mixed feelings about this apartment I hate it so much but I have so much love for what it's done for me. My landlords are lobotomized and make me wanna hurt people but it's a block away from my best friend and my favorite liquor store. The walls used to be maroon and stone grey- I painted them white this summer when things got weird. #chicago

10/31/24

All I need is some lip filler and a breast lift and it's over

#ifyoulikethewayyoulookthatmuchbabyyoushouldgoandloveyourself

10/23/24

Desperate for a change of scenery. Hoping that if I revisit my childhood apartment in a city I haven't been to in 10 years I will be healed but I fear it may just make things worse. I'll walk east to the coffee shop and get the same cinnamon roll my dad thought I liked but I just let him get to feel like he did something right. I'll think about the lime green stripped walls and playing the Hannah Montana game on disney--games.com.

Or maybe I really do need to be banished to the sea like it's the 1800s.

I'll think about the Lady Gaga 2016 Art Pop tour at Summerfest. I'll wear the merch which was once massive on my 13 year old frame and consider that one day I too may need to scream about fame and roll around in paint.

Though I am planted in Chicago and the greater Midwest I am grateful for the pictures my memory has painted of the past. I can't say I remember how I ever felt- but I take it as a blessing. For now it is all rose tinted. #trying to find peace. can you tell

10/13/24

My Uber is driving the type of slow that kills people. It's easy to say that I wish women didn't hate each other so much but I am a woman who hates women.

In July I stopped using the internet and became really unfunny while trying to get back into my online fetish work so cut to June

6/25/24

Every time I come home after a trip I get so depressed with the familiarity of Chicago but then I remember that beers are still 2 dollars and kitchen floor tiles are duct taped together by my landlord and it's all okay

Also 6/25/24

Praying 2024 is the year people finally understand that I simply won't hype them up unless my bones tell me to. Call your mom for that type of validation I'll be here.

I am not a good lier #honest girl

12/28/23

I thought being 3rd generation in the US from Greek farmland was so easy and cute with all the fun parts of old tradition. making me feel a bit more unique from my peers in Chicago where everyone(as in everyone of European decent) is polish or irish catholic and loves to talk about it.

Until my grandfather got old and it's been 9 years since my first period making me suitable for motherhood. Now all of our conversations revolve around his suddenly conservative politics and my need to begin procreating. I'm not sure if this is because I became more radical, suddenly he seems like a traditionalist but the expectation to have children is straight out of left field.

He also won't shut up about how our family dogs should be forced to live outside like they did in the old country. He reminds us of the time his grandmother fed a stray dog broken glass hidden within ground beef because the dog bit my grandfather.

Im not sure I completely understand the need for the story unless he is plotting something. Nevertheless I adore this man. I just hope i don't disappoint him by not having children in the next 5 years.

#chicago #greek rap

  Okay I know that one is fully a year ago- but I hope that it functions as a   testimant to the way that the past year has gone. 

  I cannot wait to be freed of the good, evil, and beauty of this year. I welcome    2025 with open arms no matter how ugly of a number it is I hope I can love     it anyway. 

The Algorithm Just Told Me that I Have low Income White Girl Eyes. Happy New Year. 2025 Ins and Outs

12/9/2024

My computer is at 15 percent so I have to make this brief.  

Its been less than a week since my most recent post. I don’t have much more to say beyond that yall love when I talk crazy so shoutout. 

As the new year approaches all I can think about are the things to come in 2025. Im having a hard time setting goals as I didn’t think I would achieve all of my 2024 ones by August. Sorry to flex

I hope to learn how to move in silence in 2025 

My love for sharing every emotion and thought that passes through me has been a blessing in the past but I fear that 2024 was the year I learned it is not always the best way to be. I envy those with filters who are able to keep things for themselves. 

Otherwise I must practice what I preach and keep the rest of my goals to myself. 

Something I would like to share which has become sort of a tradition is my 2025 Ins and Outs 

But first we must reflect on last years. 

2024

Professional Bull Riding 

2 hats at once 

Leggings 

Getting Lip Filler Dissolved after 1 month

Charli D'amelio Goes Miley Bangerz

Chocolate and Pistachios 

Giving Away all your money to those who need it more 

NO PRADA 

We still drink PBR

Investing into the community 

Desire the Apocalypse more that ever 

Preventative Botox anywhere But the Face 

Hype Beasts in the esoteric way

Furries publicly accepted

Sex 

Canned Vegetables x Fresh Fruit

Mad Respect 

Toes Out 

Staring at the Sky in hopes to see Aliens 

okay lowkey I was So right for that one... I have no notes and I lowkey want to repeat them all... with time I will come back to this one as December progresses 

2025

Credit Card Point Monster 

Prosecco 

Rogue Cities (Birmingham AL, Milwaukee WI, Louisville, KY, Rockford, IL, Sioux Falls, SD)

Engagement Ring 

No Piercings Just Scars  

Big Symbols 

No Exaggerated Proportions on Shoes 

Embracing Neuroticism 

Computer Hacker Men

Epcot Drinking Around The World 

Lawyers

Meet God 

New England 

Fall in Love through Fluoride Stare

Fermented Foods 

Right Sides Together 

Supplement Obsession 

Mixed Metals Tastefully 

Steak 

Becoming Trad AF 

Big Men Carrying Large Furniture 

12/16/2024 

Post is over 

with Love 

FAME