A Dead Best Friend's Face

 thinking about that time a waitress told me I looked like her dead childhood best friend but I cant remember the face of the waitress nor who I was with and where when this happened. all I know is that I gave the girl a fright when she turned to serve a table and suddenly she is looking at a face from years ago. possibly one that is thought of often, or maybe one that is locked away and left for moments in solum.

now that I am thinking about it I am not positive the best friend is dead or not, but that does not matter. It should be known that regardless of the status of this best friend the young version of her in which I resemble so deeply, no longer exists. whether or not her current status is alive or dead- the teenage girl she used to be is dead. just as much as 12-17 year old me is dead in that restaurant. 

 As Ive written this over the past 2 or 3 minutes, I have remembered when and where this happened. 

It was the waitress that frequently served myself from ages 12-17. At the taco shack a block from my childhood home- my favorite after-school activity- to get a large horchata and large fries. I would sit at the front window table, eat the free chips and salsa and listen to the outrageous newscasts drawling on for what seemed like forever. My character placement as an almost daily patron of this restaurant seized to exist when I left home. Coming back 2 years older with different hair and a roommate who never got to know the person I was to the staff just as much as they were to me. I would never expect them to remember let alone recognize me after years of body modification and hormonal evolution, but I recognize them. For all the people this newer/older version of myself could strike a reflection in but the waitress' childhood best friend. For her, someone who is not stationary to her life, as she no longer sees that version of her best friend she saw in me. But in my experience- she is the same for me. In my view of this restaurant and my place in the plot of their story- they have remained frozen in time. The inside of the restaurant will change, as the decor gets replaced for the more modern, more minimalist trend- the people remain the same. Though they age- they have not transformed. For in the 2 years of my absence- I was peaking to a level of evolution. Maybe they weren't- or if they were, it was not unrecognizable to me. This is a selfish point of view. Or maybe it is not and I just love to make a small moment bigger than it is. But is there not beauty in my doing so?

To be honest none of it matters at all to anyone- barely even matters to myself. There is simply something so special about a homecoming that goes unseen. The ability to see home, to return to the plot line of your beginning but to be seen as a new character. 

to make a paragraphs worth of ruckus of this small interaction after only 2 years, I wonder if my documenting of this moment will rip it of it s value in 10 years- Will I care about this restaurant, if even less, this moment then? 

A pass time of mine while back on the set of my adolescence, where I played the character of who I thought I needed to be while being closetedly weird in a small town. With my new visual paired with an updated outlook., I walk around-as I see old friends in passing, I make sure to acknowledge their staring. I have found that the stares I received back then were nothing compared to the stares modern me would be to undertake. 

Now, with the memories of everything that happened between the years of 12-17, I recognize them all. Every face, every rude comment, and every gossip- the faces are burned in- I spent 3 years of high school memorizing the faces I could see in school, and life. Those may never go away- though sometimes I wish they did

anyway- I will forever stare back- while I receive confused stares like "I know them no I don't yes I do no I don't" running through their mind as I blank face stare right back. 

there is something I find so powerful with this in recognition matched with ambiguity. I am not the me they used to stare at but I am a new version that may be even more worth the stare. 

FAME in the Mother Land

I went to Athens for 2 days to stay with someone I knew nothing about 

It all started when I matched with an E girl on Tinder cause her bio said “Athens Fashion School”

Why is this girl in Berlin?

I was desperate for people to go to this one club because it had just reopened and I needed to see it. 

I match with E girl, She says she in Berlin for a concert and to go clubbing.

Perfff- she’s my girl- were going out and were getting faded-

Just what I am looking for, a down ass bitch

Go clubbing with them, get home at 7 am 

Go out with them again a few days later, meet some American millennials from the south. Too damn funny. 

They go back to Greece. 

The E girl texts me, to come to Athens 

Interesting that she has no friends to rave with but whatever. .. Never pass up a free place to stay

I book the flight 

2 weeks later I’m on my way to Athens 

I get there and am immediately smoking mad cigarettes outside the artisanal sock shop where she works. I giggle. Love a funny girl that works a funny job.

We go to her home where I am greeted by her grandma who does not speak any English but is so damn cute rubbing my arm to say hello. 

We eat spaghetti with red meat sauce. Reminds me of what my grandmother makes. I take a nap, mid nap- I wake up to E girl bringing me a homemade chocolate covered ice cream cone that they buy from the neighborhood sweet shop. 

Like I’m sorry whaaa how fucking cute… 

We go to city center for beers. Meet up with friends GF(situationship)—(update , sep 6 they are still together and very much in love- for those wondering). 

Fits and hair reminded me of myself a year ago. Jorts down to her ankle. So awesome. Fat Skate sneakers. Drainer t shirt. So awesome. All I can think about is how badly these cunts need to see chicago…

SO happy to know that drainers are everywhere. Strange though, cause they are quite hard to find in Berlin. This city(Berlin) really is its own bubble. Drainers don’t exist like they do in Chicago. That is drainer capital. ANYWAY

Were drinking 7% beers and walking between ancient ruins and McDonalds… paints the perfect picture of how the world interacts with its own history. 

I really cant play the bit of “OMG THE ANCIENT GREEKS WOULD BE SO OFFENDED AND DISTRAUGHT IF THEY SAW THIS” S.J.W stance… 

The ancient greeks were all for development of society and its functioning. They would probably shake ass at McDonalds. Until they threw up from the severe amounts of grease that their poor ancient stomaches have never seen. 

TBH I think the ancient greeks would have fucked with my American ass. I was lit as fuck in Greece. Though the greeks I was linking LOVED to make fun of the bullshit slang I used cause nothing made sense. 

SO fair of them. Although they were speaking the most formal and proper English I’ve heard in actual years….. these cunts almost sounded British as hell.

They even said that it’s hard for them to show their personality when they speak English opposed to their native language. Sad for them, I guess also sad for me since I am only understanding a fraction of their personalities. 

This is so very much a thing but Ive found that germans do not deal with this issue nearly as severely as other non native English speakers in the EU. But, that seems like a problem for the respective countries education systems and I simply not qualified to speak on the matter. 

I say I’m not qualified to speak on something as If this entire blog is me pulling bullshit out of my ass to boost my ego but WHATEVERRRRR

I am now revisiting this post since the last time I touched it on June 5th- it is September AF now- Im back in chicago and living life like the slut that I am. 

I wanted to write about my conversation with the grandmother I was staying with- Her family is from a neighboring island of where my family is from. Her family played a major role in the rebuilding of the island after a series of fires and earthquake. Disasters that my Papou felt and watched from his island as a teenager living with his family. I guess that is a cute summary of all that I would like to say on the matter now. 

SMALL ASS WORLD 

One day, I will write a piece on the history of my crazy Papou and the shit he’s got himself into in his life. Not that a soul gives a fuck about my family history but I feel it paints a nice image of why I am like this . 

FOURTH OF JULY

CELEBRATING AMERICAN TRADITION LIKE THE FOUNDING FATHERS INTENDED:

 A HOW TO- BY FAME💋

The weekend started off with white claws at Montrose beach. A humble day that ended with LSD rooftop pool and pizza(sounds like a birthday party for a 5th grader at the Latin School). Spent the night asleep on the couch watching stranger things. like I said, humbled. 

The next day begins with a wake up and brunch- I will never complain about an over priced breakfast, I simply cannot bear to serve myself food before 6 pm. 

keeps me fed. 

After brunch comes the Fourth of July weekend of any middle-American teenagers dreams. 

Lake House in central Michigan

We stop at arguably the smallest gas station in the entire state of Indiana 5 minutes outside of Gary (Which says a lot considering Indiana LOVES a kitschy gas station). 

We drive 2 hours through corn until we reach a town with...

population: lake house

boats: abundant

trump flags: raised 

underage drinking: in a basement 

golf carts: crashing 

In a town with a BP gas station and dollar general without a single house that didn't touch water, it is safe to assume not a soul resides here when the UV isn't at 6(lowest)

we arrive at the house- 

White Claws: cracked before we can even take our shoes off. 

Before I can finish the first claw and hit a Michigan brand vape I am being buckled into a life vest and put on the back of a jet ski...

It is vital to note- this is the teen movie summer dream of FAME from 6 years ago. I was never brought to a central Michigan lake house, never been on a jet ski, actively avoided boats from the age of nothing to 17... drowned as a child and doesn't like swimming in large bodies of water for longer that 30 seconds. 

I spent my summer vacations hiking on mountains, and off roads in farming vehicles- not on boats

ANYWAY '

 I have barely been able fathom the fact of where I am let alone decide what character Im going to play for the weekend, but Im on a jet ski, so exposed to such large body of water- I am going 35 mph holding onto bestie for dear life. 

bestie is crazy- bestie also grew up in Michigan 

we are lapping circles to create waves and hop them. the jet ski which was once parallel to the water is now tilted a full 90 degrees. I am side-ways, convinced that if I end up in this water, separate from bestie or jetski, I will be dead. No ifs, ands, buts, about it- I will be gone. 

As I am writing this 3 days out- I am still feeling every muscle in my body screaming. If this is what old people feel like Im not lasting that long. 

Once I am off the jet ski and properly motion sick I am playing beer die. Why anyone would think putting a freshly shaken fake 21-19 year old into a game of aim mixed with hand eye coordination... and have the audacity to think it was going to work...

As the White Claws kept flowing, the sun set and white girl ran dry... all through the house every creature was stirring... and slurring. 

The next day became much more sober as the hang overs would not allow much more than sip of water next to a single McDonalds chicken nugget. We take the boat out to the sand bar where we lay on the boat, sit in the sun and hit the vape until the trump flags flying are blurred by the cloud of flavored air. 

Something so picturesque about a middle America summer, yet so tainted by the people who are simultaneously enjoying the same moment. I guess that's celebrating independence. 

There is a lot more I could say about the things that happened this Fourth of July in Chicago. But I cant bear to be angry or heart felt in this blog post where I talk about such light hearted and more than all, privileged things I got to do this weekend. 

Mitch MccOldFuck can suck my dick and he knows what he's done. It is not my job nor place to spread awareness for gun control in this country on my stupid blog- If y'all want political advice or opinions go somewhere else. 

The weekend ended with eating 3 packs of gas station pickles while driving through Gary Indiana for the second time. 

TBH a W 

I am just now coming back to this blog post 2 months later on September 2nd. It has been a long time since this trip to Michigan and it's fair to say that FAME is in a different moment.

She's more of a slut now, back then she was falling back into living Chicago. Now Chicago has settled, traumatized her all over again, and she's back to kicking bullshit around. 

Though I would like to get back into the value in a Typical American Dream Summer Vacation. Something so dreamy about middle-of-nowhere-Hicksville-beer-drinking that is just so pivotal to a summer. Maybe I'm a midwestern girl and I love the trashy shit that this region has to offer- but you gotta shake what your momma gave you when you live in the kind-of landlocked armpit of the US. 

WONDERING- We have Lake Michigan, so does that reap chicago of its so-called LandLocked title given by mfers from the coasts? We have water, its just not an ocean... leave your thoughts in the comments that I don't know how to use. 

Considering this post is from 2 months ago and Im currently supposed to be taking notes on Vietnamese history, Im going to call this post officially OVER

with Love, shake ASS, and go to SCHOOL,

FAME💋

BETHANY IS BACK

IT IS GOING TO BE A BETHANY MOTA FALL 

While summer is not yet over, the fall is creeping in one way after another- the back-to-school season has us all reflecting on what we will make of our fresh start at a new year. 

The resurgence in teens watching shows like The Vampire Diaries(which is being removed from Netflix on September 3rd), Teen Wolf, 10 Things I Hate About You- due to the trend cycle leading us back to Y2K. 

Since 2017, we watched trends in fashion, film, social media, and a general attitude of self display progress at an exponentially faster rate. Reflecting 20 years into the past, With the beginning of the 2020s' we watched Y2K fashion, media, pop culture figures, take the internet by the throat and whip it back and fourth until we couldn't breathe. 

In the past 8 months the early 2010s "indie sleaze" has started to peak through the underground music, fashion scene and by June it had been fully consumed by mainstream media. 

At this point, what the fuckkk does mainstream media even mean?-  at least from my pocket of the internet it(indie sleaze) feels mainstream. like every cunt on my feed is adopting this trend, or does is it only feel this way because I am part of that group? so for the sake of this post, I will be using mainstream as it means in context to my personal internet consumption.

 With this oh-so valuable time of reflection approaching, I think we need to pay homage to the grounding figures in our post 9-11 world childhoods. To vow to never forget them as Y2K falls to Normies

Im thinking Elena Gilbert, in low-waisted boot cut jeans with a fitted henley top-Think Abercrombie, Hollister, Shirtless men with abs that you could stand on. Lorelei Gilmore holding a coffee and wearing a scarf-glove set as a way of staying warm as if that makes any functional sense for a 40 degree Connecticut October.

Though these archetypes REEK of y2k-late nineties music influence they will forever be founding fathers to our development. 

Of course this is nicher than hell and not everyone was watching these shows but simply if you get it you get it and you're real if you do. not sorry

Currently, we find ourselves in an estranged push and pull between Y2K and indie sleaze as the year 2000's trends become more mainstream while indie sleaze remains reserved as a niche(alt) trend. -though when referring to niche/mainstream, it includes millions of teens and early 20's across the world. It is important to recognize that niche no longer exists in an environment where a single tiktok can bring someone from a rich girl from Connecticut to Charli D'amelio. 

While we are in this strange limbo, it is important to acknowledge it, and ride through it. 

Which means, the Tyler Oakley, Bethany Mota Aeropostale collection, glitterforever17 of it all is VALID again. We are taking a moment to heal, and with healing comes over accessorizing ( something both the 00's and 10's pulled off without a hitch) 

We are going to decorate our homes, bedrooms, desks, key rings with festive glam.

If you're a gaudy out-there type cunt, go to home goods and max the credit card.

 If you're a minimalist faggot that only wears 3 colors and decorates with 2, draw a ghost on something or buy an orange hat- Do something... 

2022 is just simply not the year to stop caring about participating in the change of season.

We have monkey pox on our hands - enjoy the shit while we can

its time to fuck off and put glitter on something(everything) like your life depends on it

After 2 years of traumatizing the fuck out of ourselves, we deserve the perfect throwback of what led us to where we are today. 

If you're reading this, you clicked a link in my instagram bio, if you're on my instagram, you either understand my references and why everything I say is valid, or you're a random that reads this shit to make a lousy pickup line in my DMs. 

Going with the former, you know how vital Bethany meta and the season themed bedroom was to our youth. If you are not matching a throw pillow to the bath and body works candle on your night stand you did it wrong. 

At this point we all deserve a little cinnamon scented bullshit to trick our monkey brains into producing a little more serotonin. 

Personally I think fall themed things are gaudy as fuck and simply not my taste- Im not sure I can say I will participate in any of the things I just said, but I liked the way it sounded and I think it would be So cute for everyone else to do. With that being said- y'all know I will fuck up Christmas- getting a real tree this year type-

With Love, Shake Ass, Stay Hypocritical 

FAME💋

L.earning to Love Yourself

 Egos these days 

Im not psychologist but Mfers have the fattest most cunt sucking egos these days.

Simply, please learn to keep that shit to yourself like the rest of us.

Move in silence babe 

*** Ive been wearing the same contacts for days- don’t ask me how many, I don’t know*** 

Fame has so many codes to life that keep her so intelligent and best of all absolutely incomprehensibly mental( not yet sure if the crazy is public perception or self identified)***both***

But If I were to go around spilling that shit yalll would be strutting the same shit- 

That’s a lie y’all could never

"would I ever lie to you"

"________"

When the general affiliated of chicago Learn to pretend to be humble… Hell will crack open out of the basement of the sears tower and we will all trickle in one by one doing an intake appointment with Dr Amen on our way down

Be who you are 

Shake ass like there’s no last night 

If we all pretend- we would be able to create the most ideal, dripping wet world 

With love 

Stay hypocritical 

FAME

back in CHI

if there is one thing being gone has taught me. its my love for chicago vibe

this city is simply real as fuck. everything about the way the people act, talk, treat each other, yell in public, get angry about literally nothing. it so perfect. 

this city has a vomit inducing balance of publicly intoxicated DePaul students, corrupt lawyers, and yuppies going from yacht to wrigleyville bar, all paying too much for a mediocre dinner in Lincoln park. but the difference between chicago and New York... where in nyc all of those groups would hate, avoid each other, and almost rarely mingle- in Chicago they are all part of the same tax bracket. they have no choice but to interact. they all go to the cubs game and storm down clark street in a drunken haze. 

As much as I loved my hiatus from this scary, shot filled city, I need the unfiltered crazy of its people. I live for the most "chicago" things in life. beyond a hot dog or a soupy piece of pizza- I need people getting out of cars at red lights to twerk for the oncoming traffic, I need blunts hot boxing the CTA cars, 

One thing I would cut off a toe to change would be the legal drinking age- Why the FUck could I spend the past 3 months drinking without a single ID check, for cheap... but the second I come back to America its a crime... uhhhh what the actual fuck. I was liberated just to lose it all after a 10 hour flight out of Zurich. 

Okay im done with this blog post its making me sad.. maybe I just post it anyway for shits and giggles. Its so damn short call this shit an instagram caption.

my brain is fat and sexy and im right af for this