Back in Berlin
I've been waiting for the moment that everything clicked and that I would instantly have all these things to write about, but I really feel like I have lost my sparkle. I know I talk about my lack of sparkle quite often at this point, and I'm sure it has become incredibly redundant, especially to those who spend time with me closely and often remind me that no, I have not. To the people that feel this way, thank you, and I'm not sure I trust your taste in sparkle, but it's the thought that counts. I come here with these manifestations that I am going to be productive and have all these amazing breakthroughs in my book in such little time. But in reality, I've spent the past 5 days going through a cortisol drop after taking steroids to get rid of my bronchitis. Which sounds so Instagram wellness speak of me, but I really did take the type of steroids that stunt your ability to produce cortisol... I swear. I haven't done anything except for walk miles every day and sit on the same bench and try really hard to write.
Which is okay because, at the end of the day, this is sort of what I came here to do. I don't need to tweak out at the bars every night and meet god at every street corner anymore. I'm 23 with the nightlife habits of a 35 year old who is considering getting pregnant next year and wants to try out a "tame lifestyle."
Sometimes I worry that I got all my crazy out and now I'm going to be peaceful forever. Thankfully, it is all relative, and I might just feel this calm in comparison to the wild shit I used to do. I'll never know, but god will. I guess that's all that matters, right?
While I've been sitting here, a man came out from behind the brick wall I am next to. He popped his head up like whack-a-mole and then hid back down after making eye contact. I want to make a note: this wall is only about 2 feet tall MAX. Meaning this man has been rolling around on the ground for the last 4 hours that I've been sitting here. He eventually crawled out and stood behind me for a few minutes before asking me to charge his portable charger? Not sure what he expected I would be able to do with it, unless I had a generator up my ass or something. He crawled back behind his wall just for another creature to appear with him. I really do wonder what they were doing down there. Maybe something akin to the Brokeback Mountain tent scene.
It is fall in Berlin, the one season I've never seen here. I hate to say it, but it is quite special. Without all the evil American fall consumerism, it is actually quite an amazing season. I realize that I don't hate fall because of the weather or the vibe, but I hate it because everyone is trying to force feed me a pumpkin spice latte and a infinity scarf and I simply don't give a fuck about a gourd or a wearing a blanket around my neck.
But Germany really got this fall thing down. It's perfectly chilly outside, and the leaves are falling. When the wind blows, it feels like a romcom. Shoutout autumn, I'm joining the club.
I really wish that I had a lighter.
I can't say that I'm necessarily surprised, but I really do miss working. As much as I am having a lot of fun being here and seeing friends and having a break from Chicago, I miss being covered in soot so bad.
I had a really wonderful conversation with friends the other night, catching up about all of our creative endeavors and plans for the future. It sounds so sappy, but it is so gratifying knowing that we are all going through the same crisis of having so many goals while simultaneously allowing ourselves to find peace in moving slowly towards the things we want to find in our lives.
I spent so many years of my life fighting like there was a gun to my head to accomplish all the things I wanted. As I've found myself in jobs that I love, surrounded by people who are actively uplifting one another, I couldn't help but feel like I made it in some capacity. That feeling was absolutely gutting me. How could I have let myself feel as if I "made it" when I am still broke, working for other people and not myself, having a hard time getting myself to make my own artwork?
After this conversation, I realize I'm not the only one who is paralyzed by accomplishment. After all, I am only 23, and as I've previously explained, I've lived so much life already. I truly speed ran my early twenties between 17-21, and now I'm learning how to continue being a 20 something after jading myself.
Update: Manifestation works—a very nice girl just gave me her lighter. She said I looked like I would need it... I think it was a compliment, but absolutely hilarious considering I've asked people for lighters in much worse physical condition. I would like to think I am pretty composed today. I even showered before this.
FAME
