Chicago is going to Blow Up 💋 #apocalypse

A BLOG POST ACROSS TIME 

May 7th 2023

 I am leaving again to go back to Berlin just as I did a little bit over a year ago. It is a strange feeling to be leaving again.

At this point in time all I can think about is the bullshit that needs to be done in the next week. But it's okay because I am going to be awesome. 

It is my final week in Chicago 

Apocalypse 

I don't know how to spell apocalypse 

I hope I never learn

The last 4 months have been an absolute ?

Im not terribly sure what happened. I wish I had more to say about life but it feels too intrusive to those who live it with me. 

My hair is freshly blonde again and I am ready to tweak 

It's been over a year since I started this blog. The Fame that started this blog was 18 years old and very opinionated and angry. It seems as though i have grown to filter my 20 year old self just a bit more for the sake of myself and the people around me 

June 11th 2023

Im in Berlin now, its been a few weeks- revisiting this blurb is quite funny. Life was so absolutely painful but filled with a lot of joy- moreover joy, but instead a tender admiration for the people around me. 

Though I try to be less cynical:

I have since thought a lot about the apocalypse- How are we meant to cope while facing of the end of our world? How is an environmental transition cathartic to our vices in pre apocalyptic life? It is easy to fold oneself in the collapse of our livelihood, our futures. If we are constantly on the edge of the cliff in almost all regards, can that waiting become its own apocalypse? The time we spend patient for this unfulfilled decimation becomes the very detriment of the crash we may never see. It is very easy to conceptualize the pain of apocalypse itself, to obsess over zombie movies and fictional horror of world ending disaster. To put ourselves in a post-apocalyptic wasteland is much easier than conceptualizing it in our tangibility. Regardless of its content being fictional, it is a constant reflection of the state of things. All content (weather or not it is intended for consumption by the masses) is a direct mirror to the way that things settle at the point of its conception. 

I am in my own apocalypse. 

Is it possible that I created it for myself? For-sure. 

On Purpose? Completely.

There is value to the pain apocalypse brings just as there is within utopia- if fear of catastrophe is a dread of pain or abandonment, I would recommend doing as I. Create your own apocalypse, let everything crumble beneath you. For the sake of growth and understanding, it is only vital.

Not until I read Trisha Low's "Socialist Realism" did I consider dreaming of utopias. The pessimist in me only allowed to see the cessation within agony. How Low depicts utopia with a feeling of a could be hope-fullness; it is the unattainable ideal of Eden. "Honestly? Theres no art that makes me feel more than a steel trap approximating some vision of heaven". (1)

She later writes of queer nihilistic poets after spending time with them at a MLA Panel: "Perhaps the queer nihilists are right, and non reproduction has become the only ethical response to the condition of our world. Perhaps freedom could only become a reality then- the moment the world ends, when the structures all fall away. I think about how tender it would be if there were just some worldwide agreement for humans to stop having babies. An Agreement for our species to die out, slowly. Just a gentle apocalypse." (2)

There is utopia to be found in apocalypse. 

I would like to believe that the we are in apocalypse just as we are in the movies, it just doesn't look like a brain eating virus from mushrooms or Rick Grimes beheading walkers. We are in apocalypse in the sense that things are just as secure as we are allowed to see. 

Within apocalypse, there is freedom lost and granted. Though it is vital to critique freedom as it is understood in the context of Adorno, who inspires my understanding of will within culture incarnate.

"Freedom as they know it.—People have so manipulated the concept of

freedom that it finally boils down to the right of the stronger and

richer to take from the weaker and poorer whatever they still have.

Attempts to change this are seen as shameful intrusions into the realm

of the very individuality that by the logic of that freedom has dissolved

into an administered void. But the objective spirit of language

knows better. German and English reserve the word ‘free’ for things

and services which cost nothing. Aside from a critique of political

economy, this bears witness to the unfreedom posited in the exchange

relationship itself; there is no freedom as long as everything has its

price, and in reified society things exempted from the price mechanism

exist only as pitiful rudiments. On closer inspection they too are

usually found to have their price, and to be handouts with commodities

or at least with domination: parks make prisons more endurable

to those not in them. For people with a free, spontaneous, serene

and nonchalant temper, however, for those who derive freedom as a

privilege from unfreedom, language holds ready an apposite name: that of impudence."(3)

(1,2) TRISHA LOW, Socialist Realism © Coffee House Press 2019

(3) Theodor Adorno Messages in a Bottle © Suhrkamp Verlag, Frankfurt am Main 1980

Translated by Edmund Jephcott 

with Love, Stay Awesome and go fuck up your life 

FAME 💋

Confused Radicals, Starbucks Refresher, and Domestic Terrorism- FAME ❤️ BERLIN

HI BLOG I LOVE YOU 

Im back in Berlin and really want everything to blow up 

For example: I was on the U8 a few weeks ago- as we pull into a station we see two men in black bloc fighting, yelling- everyone on the platform runs out like shrapnel in any direction away from them. AWESOME 

The train stops- the doors open and everyone on the train starts attempting to keep the men from entering the train- One of them makes it on fighting through the door. everyone starts covering their faces and running away from him as he sprays gasoline all over the train. 

Sorry what. 

Maybe I like Chicago 

At least they don’t try to blow up the blue line. (regardless of the fact the trains just combust on their own without 3rd party involvement)  

Needless to say we got off of the train. 

Yesterday I was on the M2 and its somewhat packed, nothing bad Ive seen worse and Im only going a few stops. I see this fruity emo vibed teenager with his jeans tucked into his mid calf combat boot. Not until he sits down do I see the bright red ladder lacing he has added onto his already hideous vibe. 

Of course there are nazis everywhere just as there are capitalists and gay people. 

Some like to be secretive and others not. Sue me if Im wrong but it seems that of all places to be open about nazism my immediate thought wouldn’t be Berlin. But I guess it almost makes a lot more sense.

 He wore a black hoodie with “no love for a nation” an ANTIFA slogan. Okay, make this one make sense. Im begging, cunt- what? As we approach the final stop of the tram service- he rips rogue paper out of his backpack- which was entirely filled with notebooks and loose paper- I hope he has back problems. Once grabbing hold of a surprisingly not crumpled chunk of paper, he begins folding it into small triangles to scribble in German all over it. Im curious, is this kid just really fucking confused or does he loves contradiction. 

Now Im all for being outwardly edgy on public transit. I get it- shit is fun. But for the love of god- calm down. Rip that shit out of your head take the laces off and use them to get into a healthy form of pleasure like choking. 

All I want is a McDonalds chicken biscuit… 

Im a simple girl with simple needs and it really shouldn’t be that hard to god forbid branch off from the cancerous womb of America but I just cant. Every time I leave I find a new level of love for the US and all that it can bring. I am obsessed with truck stops too much to be in a city like this with no car. But there is nothing to do about that now, except for whine- so I guess Ill shut the fuck up and be patient for when I can go back to America and tweak with the corn. 

There is truly just something special about an entire area of the country where their main food source is Dairy Queen hamburgers. A tragedy of the American economy but especially fascinating from an experimental prospective. Its like the Stanford prison experiment except they are under the impression they have free will.  

I guess I should be more inclined to write about germans and this country while I’m here but Berlin makes that a bit difficult. They are embarrassed to be germans here. It is not like the rest of the country where they are so absolutely prideful of their nation. Fair to say that it is similar in the US as well. The farther from metropolis you get, the more they love the country that charges them unproportionally high taxes locking them into poverty. 

Don’t get me wrong I love being able to drink legally and hand bouncers my real ID- but there is something tragically significant about a field of corn. I love tornados and sodas the size of my head. 

I passed a Starbucks at an Ubahn station the other day. It was so fucked hot I needed a refresher before I started hitting people.

Not only did they not have refreshers in stock- the ice tea was 6 EURO. 

For a venti fair enough that's sexy. I give in, until I receive my order and it is the size of an American small.

 IM SORRY CAN THE AMERICAN COMPANIES NOT KEEP THEIR DISGUSTINGLY LARGE PORTION SIZES. 

I thought we loved imperialism here, like keep it running. It is one of my favorite things about American fast food. You can feed 4 Germans off of one American's McDonalds meal. That is so beautiful don’t you think? 

Im currently sitting in a park in Prenzlauerberg. Attempting to pull together SOMETHING to post for the blog, cause I miss y’all and need to force myself into old habits. I was having what I thought was a very productive moment at this picnic bench in the shade. I made sure to find a good spot when the park was empty cause I need my isolation.

All was good until 3 old women come up to my table speaking German but asking to sit. I saw sorry in german hoping that they would hear my accent and fuck off- instead they sit down. Well. Okay. Thanks guys.

 It has been 2 hours, they have eaten pizza, smoked many cigarettes and now a fourth woman has joined. 

at first they were silent, strange but whatever. Now they are done eating and babbling to each other. 

Thankfully. If these women spoke English right now I would rip out my hair and start biting. Im not sure if this is an interaction I should be annoyed by or decide to view it with a beauty. That people like these women who are wearing panty hoes, jeans and orthopedic sandals and I can co-exist on this bench together while I write of nazis and McDonalds.

 Maybe it is quite gorgeous. How we can sit in this empty park, all together without speaking but find a mutual love for this specific table.

Its things like this that make me so American. Im such a cold cunt. Im sorry you would just simply never catch me acting like this in chicago. I would get angry and go away. But Im not sure anyone would randomly sit at my table to eat pizza and blow smoke on my computer in Chicago. Maybe that is the larger difference here. 

As I edit this post the next morning I'm thinking about how sexy it would be if they installed a camera in my head like Wafaa Bilal where it took a single photo everyday for a year at the same time. I think it would be absolutely so fascinating to see and hear all the bullshit I chat on the daily played back for all the faggots that's don't get to hear it IRL. Sucks but lucky for y'all I love to chat bullshit online. 

In other news I still hate feminism

And people still think my taxidermy is weird 

I hope I wake up normal one day- just to do it for a few days . I take that back id probably kill myself if that happened. 

Dont worry guys- only a few more months until I learn how to shoot a gun 

With Love, Shake Ass, and shoot nazis 

FAME 💋

I got cancelled again

On this episode of disgusting claims made against me by the general populous of Instagram

My favorite thing about this year's edition of cancelation: 

CALLS on the phone asking me if I kill animals. 

At this point, I fucking wish I was killing this shit so all these cunts could at least be correct while they harass me online calling me Jeffrey Dahmer. BRUH 

Last I checked I don't rape or kill but anyway---

Just cause I grew up in Wisconsin sometimes does not mean I was learning my animal gutting ways there. Matter-a-fact I learned it in Chicagoland you sick fucks. 

To the MF that called me a bastard- you’re right, good job on the guess, you were spot on. 

No one is ready to have the conversation I'm starting and that’s okay, so instead I will use this platform for a story-time. 

When I was 7 years old, I collected carnival fish. My favorite thing to do while growing up in Wisconsin was going to as many carnivals as possible and using every one of my family members to win as many fish as we could. 

I would then rely on my father to take care of these fish as if they were his children and not factory-farmed victims of capitalism in the form of cotton candy and Ferris wheels.

My father became very dedicated to keeping these fish alive as long as possible for the sake of breaking away from the doom these fish typically face 2-3 days or weeks after their conception from the huts of fried butter and children that leave a trail of stickiness everywhere they go. 

These fish not only lived for multiple years but grew insanely large. Some of them were the really awesome cartoony ones that had eyes that bulged out of their heads…. can you tell I fucking loved these fish… 

One day in December I got a call from my father after school 

“Hey, Soph I have really bad news. One of the carnival fish was floating in the tank this morning” 

“That’s okay… could you freeze it for me for next weekend” 

“I'm sorry I know how much you loved the fish we can get you another one next summer”

“No it's alright can you please put it in the freezer though”

“That’s fucking disgusting no it will get our food dirty”

“Not if you wrap it in a billion plastic bags” (something my scientist mother had taught me)

“Um”

2 weeks later I am on the kitchen counter dissecting my deceased pet and my stepmother walks in

GAGS HER FUCKING BRAINS OUT 

Then runs out of the kitchen yelling for my father to make sure I didn’t completely lose my 7-year-old marbles

I continued to remove all of its organs one by one until only the bulgy eyeballs were left(best for last) 

Once all the bits and pieces of my beloved fish were divorced across paper towels and ziplock bags I decided I was not done until I saw the insides of its organs too. 

MIND YOU I'M USING KITCHEN KNIVES AND UTENSILS 

Until my stepmom came back in with my father who saw me as elbow-deep as you can be in a 4-inch carnival goldfish. They decided I had taken it too far, started getting too creeped out, and took my splay of guts and skin and threw it away;( 

Needless to say, this was just the beginning of my awesomeness- I hope this paints the picture for all the cunts on the internet who realllllllly want me to shut up... maybe you'll get it one day

All I can say at this point is to respectfully get off my page or hop on my wave cause it's awesome over here. It feels like the Wisconsin Dell's tidal pool, it's quite fun. There are margs and floats that look like goldfish and dead animals everywhere it's cooked and perfect

ANYWAY 

If god's will prevails, everyone can appreciate my little story time and hope that we all know each other better now

WITH LOVE, SHAKE ASS, KILL FAST 

💋

FAME

SPRANG BREAAK

 the coldest march weekend turned into the most sexy beach vacation with vibes so random 

It started with best DJs two nights in a row at fave club that led into the most rando afters in the most chicago middle of abandoned something yard the scaries calling me by my instagram that led into two days of casual drinking at home- it really could have been a calm weekend if it weren’t for my attempted kidnapping in front of Aldi just for my neighbor's fire escape to burn down 24 hours later. 

i wrote this weeks ago and i really do think that i summed up my two day spring break quit well. a stay-cation like none other. The way to set the bar terribly, scarily high for the coming months

love life shake ass dont get in the random cars 

love FAME 💋

iPHONE apocalypse

 I want to go back to the week where I was obsessed with iPhone 5s 

All I wanted was for my phone to be small and square again 

It makes me so sad that I have this thing 

Chicago Vibes will Never Die

Im not terribly sure how I've ended up in the situations I have. All I know is that Im not mad about it. And i guess even if I was there would be nothing to do about it considering everything 

NONE OF THAT MADE ANY SENSE BUT I THINK IM EXACTLY RIGHT FOR EVERYTHING I SAID

anyway- life is awesome

I have decided that if everything is awesome i can still scream about genocide when i get mad and think about how sometimes i just want a bomb to drop and the world will be wiped clean and it will be all okay but then i realize i just need to express the brief moments of unclaimed or directed frustration and its all okay. I don't even think i'm a doomsdayist i just think i hate everyone and i think people are fucking stupid.

never to exclude myself from that though
I'm severe up there with all the idiots- i might just be a bit more self aware 

i really need a man to do things for me. 

feminism is dead and Im at my wits end 

It is time for people to go back to being awesome and not thinking before they speak and living life as they please 

Recently Ive been obsessed with saying really fucked up shit more than normal 
By recently i mean in the past 6 months

 ive managed to make it awesome though 

SEE

THIS IS WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT---- ITS SO AWESOME 

LIFE IS SO EVIL BUT SO AWESOME AND I LOVE BEING ALONG FOR THE RIDE AND TWEAKING TO THE BEATS OF BULLSHIT 

shake ass, tweak fast, and play the fucking game 
with love 
FAME💋

 

HOLY FEELING EXISTENTIAL

 Just saw the cutest fucking thing 

A little boy got off the Metra and as it started leaving the station, he chased after it running.

I'm looking out the window- going to Hinsdale- because my house, my old destination, is gone. Left for a Naperville girl to start her life in. Hopefully, her parents make it up all gorgeous and redone for her just as my family wasn’t able to do. For her to create all the memories in The Old Farm House just as I did. With my grandparents driving me to school every morning and cooking me dinner every night. Or the time the power lines went down in a storm and we weren’t allowed to go in the yard because it was wet and would electrocute us. Now I travel to Hinsdale to see my grandparents 15 years older than my memory prevails, to sit in my mother's childhood home which she has the privilege to revisit in the exact state she left it after every milestone or her move to college at 18. The same house where she celebrated her wedding last July. 

As the train leaves the Berwyn station I look out the window to the young boy chasing the train as it speeds up. He properly kept pace until I saw his destination. Who I presumed to be his grandmother waiting for him knelt down with open arms. What I initially saw as a cute moment of youth turned into the most heart-wrenching image of evanescence 

I was once that kid just as much as one day he will be me. But how tragic is that? The most unavoidable thing that he has yet to learn. Maybe I haven't either but I force myself in moments like this,

IN MY NEXT LIFE I WILL LIVE THE AMERICAN DREAM

 

It's things like construction work that really make me want to be a man. I hope one day in the next life I can be a man who works construction- makes so much money off of liability and comes home covered in dirt for my wife who loves me cause I'm awesome and love dirt. My hands will be calloused and hers will be manicured and I'll buy her le labo to wear to her desk job that she doesn’t really need but she has cause it gives her a sense of worth. 

The American dream is off its own head tweaked I can't believe that just came out of my mouth and I didn’t realize the fucked misogynistic things I was saying until now that are so awesome and stereotypical I love life. 

I hope someone out there understands what I'm getting at here. It isn't meant in a hating woman "get your ass back in the kitchen" type of way but more an "i love to provide even if it kills me" toxic(but amazingly beneficial) masculinity kind of way. 

I also hope that this entire post can be recognized as satire even though it is somewhat true and there are many idealic qualities to a basic American life. the life that most people in this country live and tend to never be recognized for the majority they take up. 

WITH LOVE SHAKE ASS AND DIG IN THE DIRT 

FAME💋

 I need to stop going outside I think-